Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎