Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

guys I’m going home

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.