Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

oh you wanna fight?!

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.