DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
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boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
🍛
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My inexpensive home security system…
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]