DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
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I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.