Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

how it started vs how it ended

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

Not helping

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*