date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
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Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.