This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
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How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”