Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Monday

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”