Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.