Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane