Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

Be the reason someone burns sage.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!