Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.