date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.