Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
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me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
men are simple creatures
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
What the hell happened in there??
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.