Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.