Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
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All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.