Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
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me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I’m sure it’s fine.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.