Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.