Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts