Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Can confirm.

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem