Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.