Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

Twitter remains undefeated