DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
#ParentingFacts
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.