Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know