Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CRYING

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

Eating for two.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Not all heroes wear capes.

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!