DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
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[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid