Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

😾

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this