Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Leaving the Barbers like
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
A great tip. #CakeRex
