Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever