Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
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I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
But is it really??
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…