Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.