Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
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I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Important reminders
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.