Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need