Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

ok like just. call me at this point

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Fight

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine