Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.