Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
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*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts