Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

Kids: Stay in school.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here