@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

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@blondecalamity

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

@jjhartinger

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

@IRLPepperMD

*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy

@RegularFred

[Enter your password]
Secret
[Password must be 6 characters]
Secrete
[Password disgusting but accepted]

@DancesWithTamis

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

@northcoastkevin

My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.

@blaha_Who

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

@better_off_dad

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

@Firawesome

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?