*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
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I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy
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[Password disgusting but accepted]
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.