Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us