Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

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*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*


I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.


*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy


[Enter your password]
[Password must be 6 characters]
[Password disgusting but accepted]


In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz


My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.


No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.


‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed


If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?