date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
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When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
You know…for fall…
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Damn he played himself
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what