date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
what do you want
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.