date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Not helping
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
