DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
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What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
They did not miss in the small print
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.