Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

😂

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.