Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while