Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Teach your children to beatbox

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020