Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
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Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
The big book of baby names but for safe words
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Just added something to my bucket list.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.