Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

Just how popey was the pope today?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver