Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
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DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter