Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
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Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.
I got hit by a car today, guys. Don’t worry. I’m okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.
The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier