Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

Me too 😆

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Breaking news:

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine