Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?