Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.