Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

wtf is an acronym

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.