DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
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Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Windows
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
somebody come look at this
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
i’m so sick of this guy
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Ah yes. The three genders
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”