@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

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@JJSummertime

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

@JRevard

My bf asked me to act like a “naughty school girl” for him so I forged a note from my mom saying I don’t have to participate.

@OllyiConic

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*

@rockymomax

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

@fro_vo

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

@KentWGraham

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

@peterjames48

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

@anerdonfire2

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.