DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples