DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison