DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
This will never not be funny to me.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
About to form my very first opinion
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.