DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I think this cat is broken
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*