Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

“The Perfect Relationship”

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

me linking you to my twitter

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

Owl Sanctuary

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).