Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit