Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…