DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
You Might Also Like
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.