Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.