DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
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Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
This is my emotional support knife.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
