DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
You Might Also Like
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Priorities
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT