Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
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I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
Wife: We should go camping
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.