Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

opening twitter today

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA