date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Only a mother’s love …
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude