Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

How does someone manage that 🤨

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.