date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
You Might Also Like
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
