date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.