Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

this isn’t threatening at all

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…