Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

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50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

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ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.