date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes