date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
ugh not again
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you