Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store