date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
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the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
How does one answer this?
I think this should do it.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.