Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!