date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
First I was a pebble..
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.