date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
You Might Also Like
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
But is it really??
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose